


Hell Is Where I Dreamt of You and Woke Up Alone (EDIT)

by blood_red_like_roses



Category: Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice
Genre: Internal Monologue, M/M, One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-29 23:38:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12095928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blood_red_like_roses/pseuds/blood_red_like_roses
Summary: A short internal monologue from Lestat after Nicki's suicide. Edited for grammar and spelling mistakes.





	Hell Is Where I Dreamt of You and Woke Up Alone (EDIT)

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little one shot I thought about while listening to Blackbear and rereading The Vampire Lestat. I do not own The Vampire Chronicles or any of these characters, just a little story I wanted to write. Pre Memnoch. Just a sad little fic. >1000 words. -Liyah

Warmth. The fire blazed in front of me. This is how he felt. This is the last sensation Nicki felt before dancing into eternal darkness. The last sight to register in his mind before he entered the dark oblivion. I bit my lip to stop more blood tears from falling. 

To many, fire was a sign of hope. That you will be warm for the night. That there is light to extinguish the demons lurking in the shadows. 

To me, fire was pain. This once comforting warmth now seared my skin with the memories of the past. Nicki didn't deserve this. He never deserved any of the hell I brought him into. I knew I never should have made him a child of the night. Maybe then he could have lived the rest of his days in peace, and not madness.

Slowly, I turned my head back to the fire and stared into it, watching the flames bounce back and forth in the wind. I ran my hand across the Stradivarius, letting my fingers graze the smooth surface of the violin. Nicki's violin. 

I longed to be in that tiny apartment again. I longed to be snuggled up beside him, buried in his neck and inhaling his sent. I lifted the violin to my face and took a breath, trying to find Nicki's scent. 

There was nothing. He was long gone. 

Sighing deeply, I set the violin down and placed my head in my hands, letting my eyes fixate on the fire once again. 

Would I be better off waltzing into this fire as Nicki did with the funeral pyre? Eternity is very long time to be on this land, and the years that I had already been trapped in this immortal body were wearing on me. Perhaps Nicki was on to something. Perhaps we all go mad if we live for too long. Perhaps he had simply lived past his time, and now God was trying to get his soul back. 

I laughed aloud. 

No, forget that, perhaps Satan demands our soul after we live past our time. After all, aren't we all damned creatures? Forbidden from seeing God's light, and trapped in the devil’s eternal darkness? 

No, Lestat, now is not the time to get religious. Pretty soon you'll be wondering if Nicki's soul ended up in heaven or hell... Hell...

For a moment, the idea of an afterlife became unbearable. I inahled sharply, almost unable to breath. Nicki was already in such pain here on our realm, how could he stand an eternity of pain and madness in the realm of Hell? How would I be able to spend an eternity in Hell? 

The familiar feeling of nausea washed over my body, but was quickly dismissed. I'm a vampire, after all, we are incapable of vomiting. 

Even so, we are still capable of existential crisis’, one of which I felt myself diving into. 

Snap out of it, Lestat. You are better than this. What Nicki did he did to himself... It was of his own volition that he walked into that fire, and of his own volition that he killed himself. 

Ah, I'm beginning to sound like Nicki himself. Perhaps this is how it all started. Feelings arguing with logic. The id and the superego at it once again, what is right and what it was wrong. The lines were becoming blurred. They had been blurred since my transformation.

I reached my hand out slowly, and passed it over the fire, letting the flames lick the palm of my hand. 

Searing pain, and not the metaphorical kind either. I clutched my hand to my body, rubbing my hand softly. My God, Nicki. What were you thinking? I cringed in the realization that this was the last sensation my Nicki felt. A life of pleasure and wonder ending in pain and torture. 

I pursed my lips lightly as I stared at the fire with disgust. I wasn't ready to let go of Nicki, nor was I ready to accept that I was practically the one who killed him. Sure, I didn't plunge a dagger into his chest, or throw him into that funeral pyre, but ultimately I was the one who did this. After being stolen in the night and having to leave Nicki. I was the reason he fell apart mentally. The final undoing was done by myself, after changing him into the damned creature that I am, that Gabrielle is, that Eleni and Armand are, and surely that Satan himself is. 

There arose a deep, aching pain in my chest as I thought these things to myself. Again, the nausea surfaced. 

When he walked into that fire, I don't think Nicki felt how much remorse and guilt I felt now for making his life like this. Even in Auvergne, I should never have involved myself with him. He was, and always will be, too good for me. 

I stood up slowly and gripped the small pail of water next to the log upon which I had been sitting. The sky was beginning to fade from black to a greyish color, signalling the arrival of the sun. God's light was coming for me, and I had the option to stay out and be engulfed in the light. Of course, it would result in the end of my vampire life, but perhaps at the sight of the sunrise, I might see Nicki's hand reaching out for me from the heavenly skies. That hand might save me from perdition. 

I tossed the contents of the pail onto the fire, extinguishing the flames swiftly, leaving a pile of wet ash behind. 

"Someday, Nicki, I will need saving, just not today,” I said, staring up into the lightening sky, “Farewell my friend. May heaven treat you well.” 

Someday, Nicki. Someday we shall be reunited. 


End file.
